


The Private Blog

by Mybrolly



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anger, Complete, Death, Divorce, F/M, Family, First Date, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Johnlock - Freeform, Kissing, M/M, Marriage, Mentions of Oral and Anal Sex, Mourning, Pregnancy, Reunion, Sex, Sherlock Being an Idiot, hand holding, life decisions, mentions of drug use, sherlock being cute, single parent, things get sexual in chapter 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 18:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mybrolly/pseuds/Mybrolly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John starts a private blog to get some feelings out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life begins again...

**Author's Note:**

> Trying a different style for this Johnlock, if it doesn't work then I won't keep bombarding you with it.

Well, here I am again. I wasn’t ever planning on blogging again but at least I have the common sense this time to make it private, I guess that makes it more of a diary than a blog? I don’t know. I just hope there’s some point to it. 

Honestly I’m just doing this to avoid the one thing I never thought I’d have to do…sign divorce papers. 

They're sitting here in front of me, Sherlock’s signature already there, just needs mine. At least he didn’t complain too much about the divorce, there must have been something in my eyes or face…god knows what he picked up on… to say that I wasn’t changing my mind. The marriage was over and that was that. God that’s hard to say. My marriage is over, I’m a divorced man, the man I loved broke my heart. Those words sound so damn surreal, I guess I have to get used to saying them. 

“Irreconcilable differences.” That’s what the papers say and it’s almost laughable. Those papers never have the truth though do they? There isn’t exactly space to say your husband lied, stole and broke the main promise he had to you. No box to tick that you found the man you agreed to spend your life with on the floor of your home and a needle in his arm. 

It was the one damn thing I made him swear to me, as much as he pissed me off and drove me bloody crazy, drugs were the only thing that I told him I’d leave over and the addict went back to old habits, chose the high over me, over our marriage and future. Son of a bitch chose to shoot up instead of a life together. It makes me so bloody mad. I always knew he was an addict, it was always hard for him but he had been clean for years, had barely touched a painkiller since his “death”. There was another bloody lie, the fake death, at least he had reasons for that one, he did it to save the people he loved and cared for. I forgave him that because it had to be done, though I’ll never understand why he couldn’t find _some _way of telling me but that’s all in the past now and as much as I hate to admit it I know we probably wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for that, it was only when he “died” that I truly accepted how much I loved him.__

__I still love him._ _

__That’s my bloody problem. If I didn’t love him then I’d be fine, I’d be able to move on, leave him behind and start again. Why’d the bloody bastard do this to me, why’d he make me fall in love just to hurt me? I hate him, I really fucking hate him…but I bloody love him. The divorce is the end of the contact though, even if the last three months had only been through lawyers. Never again will I hear that smooth voice, see that smug face, watch him show off that amazing mind._ _

__I wonder if Sherlock will delete me? He’s told me he’s done it before, well he assumes he has anyhow when his brother taunted him with someone he apparently knew for years yet remembered nothing about. Is that all I’ll be? A name he doesn’t remember? If only I could do that for him, delete every moment we had together, everything he did for me._ _

__No! I don’t want that. Our relationship meant so much to me, he changed me from the moment we met, what would I even be if I’d never met him? Still a broken soldier with a limp, no doubt. I survived without him for three bloody years, I can do it again. I have to._ _

__I suppose there’s no time like the present, right? May as well sign these bloody things, no point in clinging on to a dead marriage. One signature and it’s officially over, completely done and the new life begins._ _

__Goodbye to John Watson-Holmes, goodbye to marriage and goodbye to my husband, my Sherlock._ _


	2. I'm getting married in the morning...

I’m nervous as hell. What made me think this could work? My first marriage went so badly, why the hell did I think I could do it all over again? 

Who am I kidding, I know the answer…. _Mary ___

__God, she’s perfect, I should’ve been with her the entire time, she’s the woman of my dreams, she really is. She’s so kind and caring, she’s her little wicked side too, she makes me laugh until tears form, and she melts my damn heart. Not to mention she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I’m a bloody lucky man._ _

__Every wall was built up and she took the time to dismantle them, brick by brick. She genuinely cared about me, wanted to know me and she even understands my history. Mary knows everything now. It took a while to admit it all but she knows absolutely everything from my father to my sister and through my service and my failed marriage, she even knows that I’ll always have that little flame that burns for Sherlock, despite the fact he hurt me so much._ _

__I can’t believe that years ago I actually thought that if I ever found a woman to settle down with then he’d be my best man on my wedding day. How things change, eh? For a while I never thought Harry would be invited to my wedding, let alone standing beside me. Guess failed marriages bonded us or something like that. I’m glad she’s my best man though, best woman I suppose though she prefers the term “best person”, I disagree, no person is better than my Mary._ _

__Mary Watson, it’s barely eight hours until that’s a reality. I miss her. The night apart tradition is being upheld and the flat doesn’t seem quite right without her around. This is our home, where we laugh and cuddle up on the sofa together, where we have a life, it’s too quiet without that little giggle of hers. I bloody love that woman. This marriage is going to work, I’ve no need to be nervous._ _

__Maybe the nerves are a good sign? I had none before my first wedding and look how well that went. It was a beautiful day though, I remember it well, everyone so happy and joking about how it was “about bloody time”. It’ll be nice to have Mrs Hudson and Greg there tomorrow, I’m sure they never expected to sit through another wedding of mine. Mrs Hudson is busy pushing Mary and I for kids while she’s still well enough to babysit. That woman is amazing and she loves Mary, I’ll never forget how nervous Mary was to meet her, said it was like meeting the parents. I suppose that’s what Mrs Hudson became to me, a surrogate mother, I owe that woman a lot…even if it did take her a while to understand that I wanted absolutely no updates on my ex-husband._ _

__I was always meant to be Mary’s husband, I’m not dwelling on the past, I’m happy. Really bloody happy and it’s fucking great to feel. I just hope tomorrow is perfect, she’s put so much effort into planning the big day and I want it to be everything she dreamt of. She’ll look stunning in her dress, I’m sure of that._ _

__Okay, it’s becoming obvious that it’s not nerves, it’s excitement. Yes, I’m worried due to my past but that amazing woman is _absolutely nothing _like him, she would _never _hurt me in the way he did. There’s only going to be happiness. Mary, kids, a family. Everything is finally in place, for once I can honestly say that life is bloody good._____ _

______Dr and Mrs Watson….roll on tomorrow._ _ _ _ _ _


	3. Brilliant news...

Just back from the first scan, it was an amazing experience. I can’t believe I’m actually going to be a father, I’ve been in a bit of a dream world since Mary told me. A baby, god, it’s such a big moment in my life and all for something that is currently the size of a bean. 

I’ve always wanted this, to be a father, always had it in me even though I gave up the idea when I married Sherlock. It’s strange to think if I had stayed with him I’d never have my son or daughter. Can’t even imagine Sherlock with a kid, having to focus on someone other than himself for a change, keeping his experiments locked away from the child, no guns or weapons in the house, no cases that could result in a psychopath trying to kill him. No, Sherlock’s life was never kid-proof, he was a big kid at times himself, it would’ve been like having two children. 

He was splashed all over the headlines yesterday so I can’t help but think about him. “Genius detective saves the day” Nothing new, he always did whether anyone paid attention or not, it just happened to be someone with an ounce of fame this time round. He looked good, someone is clearly making sure he’s well fed and rested, makes me wonder who’s taken my place, who has my old room or maybe it’s who’s sleeping beside him every night, telling him he’s brilliant, making him tea and cuddling him as he reads. I’ve moved on, only fair that he has too…Is it wrong that I find that such a hard thing to think of? Sherlock with another man? He’s bloody gorgeous, he could have any man (or woman) he wanted, all he’d have to do is look at them with those beautiful eyes and they’d fall at his feet. Most would walk away on getting to know his idiosyncrasies, he’s not exactly easy to handle but it was always worth it if you managed to stick around. It’s not the idea of him sleeping with someone else that annoys me though, it’s more the idea of him letting someone in enough to trust them. It’s not easy for Sherlock to trust, if he trusts you then he either has a great deal of respect or caring towards you. He trusted me. Shame in the end I couldn’t do the same. 

There was never going to be a child with Sherlock, though I’d made my peace with that. He’d never wanted to be a father, refused to bring anyone with Holmes genetics into the world (despite my protests of how amazing the Holmes I loved was), always claimed his intelligence was a burden and he wouldn’t let a child suffer it, also claimed his family was mad. Sherlock knew himself that he wouldn’t make a good father, to a Holmes or Watson child. I disagreed at the time, now I know his addiction would have came before the child as well as our marriage. 

I’m going to stop myself from rambling about him. No point in dwelling, it’s rather foolish really, I have my wife, I absolutely adore her and our marriage is brilliant. I can’t exactly compare it to my first marriage, things are far too different but we are very happy, very much in love and now we are going to be parents. I know it’s a bit cheesy but I want to shout it from the bloody rooftops. _I’m going to be a dad. ___


	4. Alone again...

I’m thanking god for this blog right now, I’m having to be so damn strong, this is the only place I can fall apart. 

Does someone up there hate me? Did I do something terrible in a previous life? The shoulder wound was bad, three years mourning the man I loved after watching him die and now…now my Mary…my wife’s gone. 

What the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to raise a child alone? Cope without her? It’s only been a week and I’m struggling. Jack has no clue what’s going on, he’s crying for mummy and it’s breaking my heart each time. How the hell do you explain to a one year old that their mummy is dead, that she’s never coming back, that it’s just us now?

The funeral was awful, Jack cried all the way through even if he had no clue what was happening. Harry was brilliant though, finally showing me the perks of having a sister, she took control of him and hushed him, giving me the chance to say goodbye to the woman I love. My Mary. She was so young, so kind and caring, how could she die? How is life this bloody cruel. That boy needs his mummy, I need my wife, why the hell did this happen? 

I’m convinced I saw Sherlock at the funeral. God knows if it was real or just my mind but I saw him lurking by a tree. Strangely I found it comforting, he was my best friend after all, it’s been so long since I’ve seen him but the idea he was there for me…it means a lot. Guess that definitely makes it my imagination, we haven’t spoken in years, he has no reason to be there. 

I’m so lost. Mary would know exactly what to do, she’d tell me how to cope, how to raise our son, she’d keep me right. What the hell am I going to do without her? 

I can’t bring myself to clear the house, I wouldn’t even be living there if it wasn’t for Jack. Took me a while before I returned to Baker Street after burying Sherlock, I feel the need to do the same now, to run away and hide but I can’t, this isn’t just about me anymore, it’s barely about me at all, it’s all about that little boy, her little boy. He has her eyes, her smile, it can be hard to look at at times, other times I crave it, crave seeing that part of her, of his mother and the woman I love. She’ll always live on through him, it just breaks my heart that he’ll never remember her, never remember the sound of her singing his lullaby, the smell of her perfume, the shade of her lipstick and that giggle, that perfect giggle that made everything better. 

 

I miss her, god I miss her. She was my world, Mary and our son, and now we’ve both lost her, lost the most amazing woman the world has ever seen. I’m still so bloody angry, why was she taken? We’ve barely been married two years, our son just had his first birthday, she had an entire life and future ahead of her, she had so much to live for and one stupid drunk driver just ends it all? How can that be allowed to happen. Look into Jack’s eyes and tell me how it’s allowed that his mother can be stripped from him like that. 

It’s just me and him now. I hope I can do it, hope I don’t fail him but I’m terrified I will. I’m not Mary, I can’t care for him the way she did, I can’t comfort him or sing to him the way that perfect woman always did. I can’t be his mother. Will he be okay with just me? Will I make her proud? 

Three years without Sherlock and now a lifetime without Mary, what the hell did I do to deserve this life?


	5. A bit of a catch up...

Today was unexpected, enjoying myself even more so. I ran into Sherlock when I was out, I was taking a drawing Jack made of his “Uncle Egg” to Greg at the yard. I usually call first, make sure he’s there and that his consulting detective wasn’t around but I didn’t even think too today, I just wanted to drop the picture off because I told Jack I would. The boy loves Greg and Greg adores him right back, I think Greg loves the fantasy of having a son, even if it’s only for a short time during visits, I try to tell him the reality is different, being a single parent is bloody hard work. He’s a great kid though, so smart, must get it from his mum, his cheeky behaviour, that’s all me, apparently I was always sticking my tongue out as a child and Jacky seems to be doing it too. Harry delights in telling him that his daddy was a naughty boy too and Jack just laughs, thank god he doesn’t properly understand or she’d be giving him hints to terrorise me. No doubt she’ll help make these terrible twos as bad as I’ve feared. 

Running into the ex-husband was a bit of a shock. How that bloody man does it, I’ll never know, but I swear he hasn’t aged. Still bloody gorgeous, not a grey hair in sight, no middle-age gut, he looks almost the same as our wedding day, I was sickened with jealousy because I’m old, wrinkled and grey (which he disagreed with, bloody bastard still can make me blush). 

There was a bit of awkward small talk and when he asked me to go get a coffee and catch up I found myself agreeing, god knows why. We went to a little café near the yard and he filled me in on his life. All seemed much the same, cases keep him busy, Mrs Hudson fuses over him, on-going feud with Mycroft (although he sounded rather affectionate about that one, maybe he’s finally realised that the bickering is how they show their brotherly love), still living in baker street with only the skull. That was strangely nice to hear, I haven’t been replaced, Mycroft keeps the rent covered and Sherlock gets to stay in our home…his home now, the place he’s comfortable. Says he is completely clean too, no drugs since a binge after signing our divorce papers. Not sure how much I believe that but he seemed rather proud of himself for staying clean for so long, maybe he’s telling the truth, he’s no need to lie to me anymore, it’s none of my business if he’s sober or high as a kite every day. 

It was quite nice to hear about his life, about the normality of it. I did get a bit jealous when he kept mentioning an old university friend he had gotten close with again, Victor, it all just seemed a bit too cosy. I’m being silly, he can date who he wants, I am…was married, I’ve a kid, the man is allowed to date I just can’t help the pang of jealousy. Even if they aren’t dating I still feel it, I was his only friend at one point, I guess I got a bit used to that and it feels like someone is invading my territory. Now I really do sound bloody stupid. 

Telling him about my life wasn’t too easy. Death and parenthood. I’m sure he saw everything he needed, I was always an open book to him, though I suppose everyone is. He’s bound to have known how much I miss Mary, how I struggle without her, how hard it is to be a single father but how much I love Jack. I wonder if he knew about Jack or if he worked out that I couldn’t call him Hamish because of the plans we had made together. If I had ever convinced him into having a child then he would’ve been Hamish Watson-Holmes, that was always the plan, honour my grandfather who was the most amazing man…when it came to naming Jack I couldn’t use it, Hamish Watson, it was never right without the Holmes so Jack after Mary’s dad seemed right in the end. 

We had a laugh together, reminiscing and him deducing the yarders that came in for their coffee breaks, showing off as per usual, nice to see some things never change. It was just like the old days, before we fell in love or at least before we admitted the love to each other. It was lovely to just be around him again, it was comfortable and for just a little while I actually was able to forget about everything and all the stress life brings. 

Sherlock suggested we meet again sometime, I’m not too sure, I’m worried it will open up old wounds and I don’t think I can handle any more bloody pain. Plus my life is about Jack now, it’s not always easy to get time to myself, I only did today because Nanny Morstan wanted to take him to the zoo (which he hasn’t stopped talking about, trying to make the animal noises and showing me the stuffed toy versions of what he seen, liking the lion the best and trying to roar, he fell asleep half way through dinner, adorable little thing he is).

I did give Sherlock my new phone number though, it’ll be interesting to see if he texts.


	6. Flirting?

I have no clue what’s going on in my life lately. I am flirting, like a damn teenager. It’s bloody mad, why the hell am I doing this, why am I flirting and most of all – Why the fuck am I flirting with my ex-husband?

I could genuinely kick myself for this, it’s only going to end badly, isn’t it? I don’t even know how it happened, we were just texting, talking about a case he was working on and how our lives have changed, I put Jack to bed and when I came back it got flirtatious. I don’t even know if we used to flirt, I remember a hell of a lot of sexual tension and I remember when we got together there was flirting, little looks and touches. God he was cute. People would laugh at me calling Sherlock that but I definitely saw a side of him that others didn’t. He was sweet at times, soft and kind, though I won’t cover everything up, he was a big pain in the arse. 

He’s trying so hard, it’s obvious that he is, I think he wants me to be able to trust him but I don’t think that’s going to happen. After all this time I still find it hard to believe what happened so I doubt I’ll ever let it go. 

Sherlock is making me smile as I write this, I’m getting texts from him and my grin is stretching from ear to bloody ear. I should still hate the mention of his name, not grinning like an idiot when I see it on my phone. I’m not a kid, I’m not even the same man that married him, this needs to stop.

Nothing could ever happen anyway. I’m sure we could fall into bed together, we could end up friends with benefits or fuck buddies or whatever they call it nowadays, but it wouldn’t be wise at all, feelings would end up getting involved, they’d bubble up from where I’d buried them and completely destroy me. Sherlock’s probably deleted his feelings so it wouldn’t bother him, it would just be great sex…really great sex. Fuck I miss that man in bed, his soft lips, his muscles and those amazing long and talented fingers, that’s not to mention his cock. Fuck. 

Alright, I can admit I’d love to have him back in bed but it _can’t _happen. Sherlock might be with this Victor bloke anyway and I might be reading too much into things. Maybe he’s not flirting and I’m just seeing something that isn’t there. How can he fuck with my head this long after our divorce?__

__Fuck, I’m not imagining it. He just text me…_ _

__

**Shall we continue this flirting on a date? –SH**

__What the hell do I reply? We can’t date, we just can’t. I don’t trust him to be in a relationship with him and then there’s Jack. I bet Sherlock hasn’t even considered my son, we are a package deal, he can’t have me without Jack and Sherlock is hardly kid friendly. I have to say no, don’t I? It’s the right thing to do._ _

__Doing the right thing is extremely boring but this is about Jack now, not just me._ _

__I want to say yes, damn this! When did Sherlock bloody Holmes get into my head again? Did he ever actually leave it? It’s the old question, isn’t it? Head versus heart, which wins?_ _


	7. First date the second time around...

I am on a complete high right now, just back from an amazing date with an amazing man and everything seems brilliant. 

I still can’t figure out how he talked me into it but he did, I think arranging a babysitter for Jack was the point I stopped saying no, it just seemed to stand out that he actually considered my son and made sure he was with someone he was comfortable with. Mrs Hudson was more than happy to take care of him, she almost kicked me out just to get some alone time with her honorary grandchild. However the comment that Sherlock and I should’ve had a child long ago was less than helpful. 

He didn’t take me to Angelo’s which I was quite surprised about, all our big dates had been at Angelo’s, it was tradition but his explanation made complete sense and was rather touching. Sherlock said that Angelo’s held so many memories of our past, so many happy times together but it also held pressure to be that again tonight and we were starting out completely fresh therefore we shouldn’t be haunted by the ghosts of our past. He’s really thinking about this, actually putting effort into it all, it’s rather impressive to see him trying so hard and the poor man, he was trying hard. He had clearly put some thought into what he was wearing, told me he even considered a tie, he was nervous as hell at the start too, it’s a rare thing to see Sherlock nervous, he calmed though after deducing one or two things about our waiter and having me marvel in the brilliance of that mind again. 

I thought it would be awkward, lots of small talk and such, it was a first date with my ex-husband after all, but it seemed to go alright. There was a little fumbling about at the start, not sure where to look or what to say but it quickly disappeared. To my surprise Sherlock asked all about Jack, said he was my son and therefore part of me and he wants to get to know him. Didn’t make any mention of meeting him though, I get the feeling that Sherlock hasn’t thought ahead, that he wants me back but hasn’t thought that that would mean he’d become a step-father to a two year old. 

I still haven’t worked that out, it’s a strange thought the idea of getting back together or having a relationship with Sherlock. I still don’t trust him, I don’t think I could move back in and play happy families when all the time thinking about him and drugs and if it’s safe to have him around Jack. Then there’s Sherlock’s love of work, I don’t know if I can put myself through that again, the worrying, and Jack, could I give him another parent only to risk the possibility of losing him because he gets caught in another puzzle with a Moriarty type? 

There’s too much to think about, I really don’t know about the future, I just know I had an amazing time laughing and flirting with the man I loved, the man I still love if I’m honest. There will never be another man for me, Sherlock was the one and only, that’s why I went back to women and found my Mary. I can’t even hate our divorce right now because without it I wouldn’t have had Mary and Jack and my life wouldn’t be the same without them. I loved my wife, I’ll always love her and I’m forever going to be grateful I met her and that she gave me the most beautiful gift in our Jacky. So I can’t even say that I wish we’d never gotten divorced, I would’ve loved to stay with Sherlock but look at what I would’ve missed out on. 

He held my hand, smooth as anything it was, he just placed his hand in mine as if it were nothing but it sent tingles through every nerve in my body. Those hands of his, always made me feel safe and protected, yet his touch was delicate too as if he was afraid to hurt me, break me or scare me off. All these years and a simple hold of the hand does so much to my heart. Damn that man for affecting me so easily and damn my bloody cheeks for turning bright red and giving me completely away. 

We walked back to my flat, hand in hand the entire way, not giving a damn about any looks or stares, we were alone in the world again, just me and him, it was bloody perfect. Sherlock stopped me outside the flat and my stomach did somersaults as he looked into my eyes, I thought it was from expectation but now I think about it I think it was because there was so much emotion in his eyes, it was as if there was so much love there, the way he used to look at me only with an added longing…I’m probably thinking too much into it. He kissed me. Those perfect lips as soft as ever as they brushed against mine. It brought back a flood of memories yet it felt new and exciting. It was only a small kiss but it lingered and I was able to hold him close for a brief moment. When it ended I instantly wanted more, I never wanted to stop kissing him, I wanted it deeper and my tongue to play with his again, I wanted him to kiss me like he used to, like I was his, kiss me like he was going to fuck me…but this small lingering kiss still took my breath away. 

We had a quick cup of tea with Mrs Hudson before they headed home, it was sheer torture on her part, you could tell she was dying to know what happened. We’d told her we were just going out to catch up but that woman misses nothing, she knew, she always knew when it came to me and him. 

So now I’m sitting here with a very cheesy grin on my face, thinking about the touch of his hand and the feel of his lips and trying not to let reality ruin my happiness. I genuinely haven’t felt this happy since before I lost Mary. Reality can kick in tomorrow, right now I’m just too happy that I had a date with Sherlock Holmes, the man I love, the man I always loved.


	8. Coming home again...

I’m not sure I can find the words for what’s going on in my mind right now. My head is bloody spinning (in the best possible way), I’ve had a taste of the drug I was addicted too…no, I don’t want to think about drugs right now.

The jist of this is – Sherlock and I had sex. 

It wasn’t supposed to happen, we were meant to be taking things glacially slow and we’ve been sticking to that for almost a month, but I caved, he caved, something happened and the ice melted. 

We had another lovely date, Sherlock is a lot better at them this time round, he tries harder, doesn’t seem so restless or bored as he did when we first dated, seems his mind is calm or maybe his focus is on me rather than the potential of a case. He was so nervous the first time round, that could be it, he knows me, knows how I feel, trusts me, he must be able to relax more and actually enjoy it rather than worrying he’ll say something wrong. It’s lovely to see, he is just himself and we spend hours talking, laughing, he shows off and I roll my eyes at him. We went to a film, Sherlock told me how it would end after five minutes and spent most of the time criticising the holes in the plot but he did it all while holding my hand, letting me lean my head on his shoulder and kissing in the darkness. A date with Sherlock is never going to be standard but to me it was perfect. 

We walked home, hand in hand and I kissed him goodnight at Baker Street. He invited me in and since Jack was with Mary’s mum overnight I happily followed into my old home. We sat cuddling on the sofa, it’s strange how normal it felt, the flat’s barely changed and Sherlock and I are just older. We started kissing again and it got heated, next thing I know he was straddling me, kissing the breath out of me and my hands were aching to find skin. 

I wish I could remember at what point I thought “to hell with it”, I’d guess it’s when I felt his erection press against my leg. It’s been so long since I felt that, felt any cock against me, it stirred something and I remember just having to have him. I think I ripped off a button on his shirt in my haste to get to his skin, can’t say I’m sorry for that, it was like coming home again, the smell of his skin was familiar and comforting, this is… _was_ my husband, this is home. 

Going into the bedroom was surreal, our old room, but Sherlock undressing me seemed to take my mind off it. He was as hungry for me as I was for him, there was lust and something predatory in his eyes, fuck it was hot. It all happened so fast and we were on the bed, naked, bodies pressed against each other and everything suddenly slowed down as we examined each other’s skin, looking for new marks, scars, lines, anything that wasn’t there before and making sure everything we loved still was. We were rediscovering each other. He kissed my scar just like he had the first time he saw it and I couldn’t stop running my thumb over his little birthmark on his hip, I’d missed it. 

Need broke the sentiment though, a throbbing erection soon reminds you of your intentions. His mouth around me was orgasmic in itself, that bloody man always knew what to do with his tongue to drive me wild. He certainly hasn’t lost his touch. I hope I haven’t, not being with a man in so long I might have, or is it like the riding a bike thing? Have to ask Sherlock I suppose. Though he says he hasn’t been with anyone else sexually since the divorce and he certainly hasn’t lost his skills. 

I wish I could put into words how good it felt to have my fingers inside him again, he was so damn tight it was utterly delicious and god it felt amazing around my cock. That beautiful man writhing beneath me, moaning my name, desperate for my touch and my kiss, it was unbelievable. I can’t remember the last time I had to fight so hard to hold off an orgasm, though it was brilliant to see from his face that he had to try too. 

We lay in silence afterwards, just holding each other, fingers brushing along skin and listening to each other’s breathing. I genuinely felt so loved in that moment and I think it was then I realised _exactly_ how much I missed him. My Sherlock. 

God knows what happens next, still so much to work out, sex will just complicate it all but I don’t want to think about anything like that while I’m so bloody happy. I want him again, want to feel him inside me, want to fuck in a million different positions and locations, I want every inch of him and to claim him as mine. I feel like there are years of sex to make up for and I don’t want to wait any longer.


	9. That Bloody Man...

I want to bloody kill him! My so-called genius boyfriend has completely pissed me off. 

We had a beautiful day at the park, Jacky was playing and happy, Sherlock and I pushing him on the swings or sitting on a nearby bench watching. They've been bonding and it's beautiful to see. I never thought Sherlock would take to parenting in any way but he’s completely shocked me. He has fun with Jack, plays games, reads to him and tries to teach him, I even managed to get him to change a nappy with me. Sherlock adores Jack and the little man is smitten with him too, absolutely warms my heart. 

I got Sherlock to mind Jacky for an hour for me the other day, when I came back I caught them playing pirates, god knows where Sherlock got two wooden swords from and they were fighting over the poor skull on the mantle...not entirely sure as a father I should be allowing my child to fight over a human skull but I suppose being around Sherlock these things are just the norm. 

He looked after him again on Wednesday, picked him up after his playgroup and spent time with him until I got out of work. He's trying so hard, I think he wants to prove to me he can do it because I’ve made very clear that Jack and I are a pair, if he wants me then he has to step up and become a father. I walked in that night to an animated movie playing and the two of them sleeping, Jack curled into Sherlock. I wish I'd gotten a picture. 

They really are bonding, I've been looking for signs that Sherlock's manipulating me with it all but it's hard to get a boy of two and a half to lie to his daddy so I trust my son. Trust... it's still an issue. I can't have Jack hurt if Sherlock betrays me again, if he goes back to his old ways. I can't give my son another parent to have them torn away again, he lost his mum, he can't lose anyone else. Jack is always priority number one, I always think of him first, that's why I'm so bloody pissed off at Sherlock. 

So…

Beautiful day out in the park, Jack was on the climbing frames at this point, showing off (definitely like I was when I was a kid) and Sherlock and I were sitting on a bench watching him carefully. Sherlock calls Jack over and with a big smile, proud of himself for crossing the monkey bars, he comes to us. The asshole...sorry...Sherlock looks Jack in the eye and asks if he wants to live in Baker Street with him and daddy. Jack, of course, gets excited, he loves being there, everything is fun for him to explore, Mrs Hudson just downstairs and when he goes in to Speedy's he is always given some form of treat. He jumps into Sherlock's arms, hugs him and double checks that he can have his own room before running back to play in the park. _Only then_ does Sherlock turn to me and say, "Well, when can you move in."

That jerk, that bloody git asked my son before asking me. How the hell can I say no to Jack? Sherlock bloody knew that, it was a tactic, it's always some bloody tactic with him. I have no clue what to do, besides hitting him because that's how I feel right now, he's lucky he's not here. 

Move back to my old home, the flat I lived in after being dismissed from service, the flat where I fell in love and married Sherlock Holmes, the flat where he betrayed me and went back to drugs, the home I had to leave when I left my husband. How the hell am I meant to go back to all those memories? It's lovely being there, I'll admit that, but I never stay long, I always have to come home for Jacky. And that's what this is, my home, mine and Mary's. It's the flat we moved into after the wedding, the flat she waddled around when the baby was a week overdue, the flat we brought the little bundle home to, the only home he's ever known. It's filled with Mary, her memories are here, her personal touch still is about the place, it reminds me so much of the woman I adored, the mother of my son. I can't just leave all that behind, can I? We'd always talked about moving to a bigger place when Jack was older but we meant somewhere outside of London, somewhere with a garden for him to play, get a dog and have another kid. We had plans. I don't have plans anymore. I knew this thing with Sherlock could get serious, I knew there was a possibility of a future there, but honestly I always expected him to mess up or things to go badly when he and Jack met, I never pictured him asking us to move in, essentially asking us to be a family. 

Jack loves him. I love him. I hate him right now but as much as he pisses me off I still love him. Knowing Sherlock he probably thought that was the right thing to do. He got Jack's okay so I wouldn't have to worry about what he wanted and if he was fine with it all. It's just not right, I am his father, I need to make the big decisions in his life. 

This is a _big_ decision. 

Is Sherlock ready to be a full time father? Can we leave the home I built with Mary and go back to the one I built with Sherlock? Is it safe to give Jack the hope of a family again? I told Sherlock I needed time to think but...I don't know if there will ever be enough time to answer those questions.


	10. Family...

It’s been a while since I wrote here, life has seemed to take over. I took a long time to think about things, spoke to the people that mattered, the ones that knew me and Mary as a couple, that miss her almost as much as I do. I even spoke to her mum about it all, as Jack’s granny she cares about his future just as much as I do. It was her that made me realise clinging to the flat was silly, she reminded me that the memories of Mary are in my heart and in my son’s eyes, that no matter where I live I will always have her with us. 

The question of moving in with Sherlock was harder to solve. I found myself going to Mary’s grave and talking to her for a while, I wish I could have her opinion on it all, she was always so wise when it came to love. I do love him, I just don’t forgive him for the drug use and lies that ended our marriage. 

He gave me a gift, a stack of papers. It was the results from every drug test Greg has made him take since the drug binge after our divorce. The only way Greg would let him work a case was if he was clean and proved it, weekly urine tests and monthly blood tests for a while, then just the monthly tests, each one negative for any traces of narcotics. He was proving to me that he’s changed but just because he hasn’t gone back to the yet doesn’t mean he won’t. He’s determined to prove it to me, show me that with me and a child he will never need extra stimulation again, he even cut down on the more dangerous cases after I expressed my concern about losing him again and having Jack lose him. I have to give him credit, I’ve never seen him try quite so hard. 

In the end that’s what decided it for me. Sherlock didn’t back down at all, he fought to have me back and he fought to get me and Jack in 221b. He made sure to show me he wanted Jack in his life just as much as he wanted me, the boys have really bonded, it’s adorable. Jack is in complete awe of Sherlock, everything he does makes Jack’s eyes pop open wide and Sherlock loves doing experiments, collecting data and trying to teach Jack things. I think it also gives him a bit of his childhood back, it’s like watching two kids when they play pirates or cops and robbers. Sherlock even got Jack a kid’s version of his coat and Jacky likes to put the collar up and try to swish it like Sherlock does. He’s become obsessed with the deerstalker, keeps begging for it off the mantle and puts it on, it even makes my grumpy boyfriend laugh. 

He’s three soon, hard to believe he’s growing so fast. We are planning a party for him and it’s shocking to say but Sherlock has been more excited about it than I have. I had to stop him from booking a carnival with Mycroft’s credit card. He settled for the community centre, a bouncy castle and since Jack has become enchanted by cowboys, it seems Sherlock has arranged for a pony to be there to let the kids have rides. Apparently it needs to be cowboy themed, though I think Sherlock just wants me in a pair of leather chaps. 

Mary’s mum found an old photo of Mary dressed as a cowgirl when she was five, I’m having it blown up and made into wanted posters along with ones of Jack. I had to have his mum at his birthday in some way, she has to be there. 

That’s one thing about all this, I may be with Sherlock again, we may be forming a family but I will never, ever let Jack forget his mother. He may not remember her and that kills me but he will know all about her, he will know how much she loved him and how proud she would’ve been of him. I made sure there are plenty of pictures of her in his room and even a few darted about the flat. Sherlock wasn’t too happy with that at first, not because it was Mary, (well maybe partly worried about my love for my wife) but he was never one for photos in the flat, never saw the point, once I explained it all to him he seemed to understand. I just want Mary watching over her son. I want her watching over me too. In the same way that I never stopped loving Sherlock when I married her, I will never stop loving Mary, she was my wife, my world, she will always have a place in my heart and she gave me the best gift in the world, my Jacky. 

I hope we have her blessing, I hope I’m doing right for her son, our son. I hope I’m making her proud in some way. I love her so much. My Mary. 

Sherlock proposed. He found my old wedding ring when we were unpacking and he used it to propose to me. I said no. It’s too much too soon, told him to slow down, see how we all did living together and becoming a family before we take that step. I still wear Mary’s ring too, not sure if I’m ready to take it off and put Sherlock’s back on, can a man wear two wedding rings? That would be more accurate. 

Sherlock was upset but he understood, I made sure he knew that everything I do I am doing for Jack, I refuse to rush into things when I have his future and wellbeing to consider. He seemed to understand that but hated being the only Holmes in a house of Watson’s so he’s gone back to Watson-Holmes. It’s surreal to hear it again but have to admit it’s lovely too. 

Jack absentmindedly called Sherlock “Daddy” yesterday. The look on Sherlock’s face was definitely a sight to see, shock and love at the same time. He admitted last night in bed that he’d love it if Jack thought of him as his father as he grew up and I’ll admit I like the idea that they would bond in that way. Jack will only ever have Mary as his mummy but he will have Sherlock and I as his dads, caring for him, raising him and doing everything we can to ensure he has a happy life. 

I guess we really are a family now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've really enjoyed writing this, having something a bit different to the normal fic style and showing that Johnlock isn't all fluff, John isn't his puppy dog and that John can still have loved Mary even if he loved Sherlock too. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. xxx


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